And just like that, they are 15 years old. Acting in plays, talking politics on Twitter, playing basketball, swimming, fixing computers, speaking French, and standing over 6 feet tall. My babies are 15!
I hope the wishes you plant today bloom for eternity.
It’s hard to imagine being the parent of a teenager. I think because it means the story you’ve created about who you are and what it means to be a Mom, is suddenly no longer relevant. That person who sang lullabies, made birthday cakes, and walked to playgrounds is suddenly left with empty cake tins and quiet afternoons. You realize those forms of love you got so good at doing aren’t the right ones anymore, and now, beyond laundry and figuring out what’s for dinner, your kids don’t really need you for much.
The plot has unfolded, and even though everyone told you this would happen, you’re somehow still surprised.
If only they knew that underlying all the ways me being their mother annoys them right now, there lies a love too deep for words. A love that wells up when I fold their clothes and remember t-shirts covered in dinosaurs. A love that wells up when they leave for school, and I hope I’m not awkward kissing them good-bye. A love that wakes me up worrying at night, wondering what it will feel like to wake up and worry when they aren’t safely asleep in the room next to mine? A love that hopes I’m giving them enough belief in themselves to withstand the struggle that is sometimes life.
I’m so conscious of time slipping. I wonder if it ever occurs to them, that this time won’t last forever? Maybe that is part of the armor of youth. The slipping of time is less dangerous, when you believe it will never end.
The hard part is that I’m not losing them… I’m losing me.
“I carry your heart
I carry your heart with me
I fear no fate (for you are my fate) I want
no world (for you are my world)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing…..” e.e. cummings
My precious boys, I could not imagine who I would be without you. I hope you survive, despite my failings, and that when the dust clears and you wonder what was true and what was not, my loving you will have taught you to love.
And that will be proof that it was true.
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