In my greatest moments, I feel so proud of what Mike and I have done, raising our two boys. In my worse ones, I wonder what I did to deserve such precious kids, who have turned out okay despite all my deficiencies.
I remember when I used to want a girl. That was before I understood what being a parent really meant. When I thought that the gender of another human being could be responsible for who I became, or that the richness or difficulty of life was something I could predict by what kind of people were around me. It was back when I thought my own identity stopped on the day I became a mother. It was before I understood that I was made Jake’s and Eli’s mother to continue my own evolution, not just to be a guide for theirs.
Now we have two kids, who are surprising, challenging, delighting, and exhausting. There could be no life experience more stimulating than this! And yet as much as my identity now lives and breathes around them, my own inertia, my own strength, and my own challenges are still mine.
I could never take credit for who these people are. They are God’s creations and I was made their mom, and I am so thankful for that! But the purpose of my kids is not to be the only richness of my life. They are the kindling, but the task to create a life of meaning is still up to me.